Films & I

I could fool myself for a long long time really. I could go on believing we could be friends and the practical earthy side of me would just be ok.
That romance was not something I felt at all, just something intellectual that I thought about but never ever touched.

But THAT isn't true. There is a lot of hot drama brewing inside. Steaming me up. I wish I could kick you. Fists against your flimsy chest and cry in a pathetic filmy voice. All the while screaming...aisa kyun kara aisa kyun kara and nahi nahi.

But then practical earthy me would start laughing at pathetic filmy me. and that would be how the scene ends. Curtains.

say.

Yesterday.

You said

I will call you

And we would talk about

The past,

The Future,

The world as it slept,

Friends and family,

Your past,

Those other things,

The world as it awoke.

But.

You never called

And I find myself awaiting,

A call that doesn’t ring

A letter that never arrives

A message in a bottle

A whisper in the night

Mornings have dawned

And I haven’t slept a wink

And I’m barely alive

And I’m dying with every blink.

The weather’s getting colder.

The Fog is getting thicker.

Life is getting harder

And dreams are long dead.

The whispering night wind

Brings me no peace

The flying papers

Bring me no news

I feel utterly alone--

The train as it weeps in the distance—

And tomorrow will find me

Cheerful and chatty

Drowning out the quiet of

A call that doesn't ring

A letter that never arrives

A message in a bottle

A whisper in the night

And the weeping train and the whispering night winds and the rustling papers

They bring me no rest.

--h.c

Untitled.

Slow deliberate writing. Explaining itself. Taking its time, apologetic.

I am disappointed. Good writing is rare.

A Picture of Dorian Gray is the funniest book I have read in the longest time. The kind of joy and silly realization that you cant hold in despite the self conscious embarrassment of looking like an “affected” person.

Good writing inspires good writing. The trick to writing well, is reading great. 

I fancy myself as Lord Henry. A good narrator will always make you feel like its your thoughts being voiced, you view established and published.

One   Another one of my loves has found a woman I believe. And though he probably doesn't know my name, I am heart broken.

wait. Regardless of what he knows or doesn't, what I know is painful. dramatically so.

Mimic

I realized some while back that I was completely incapable of hating people. Regardless.
Today, I realized the sad sad corollary...I can't love people.

Lukewarm, Lukewarm. I am too complacent.

Like a fanny fart. neither here nor there.

_____________________________________________________

Because I realized today that Ms. Sunshine is not the love of my life because:

Because there's so much water under the bridge that the bridge is floating on it...and at risk of going under

  Because i think i love him today but i may change my mind tomorrow

00:29 Because life is too complicated n my few friends are too precious to throw at the whim of love n its intricacies

  Because im super scared that he will b hung up on her n i cant have him preoccupied about someone else

00:30 Because he will always belong to a million people n never just to me

00:31 Because i dont do sharing well n im afraid to venture into the area of hpw much i may love him...or how little

00:32 Million n one reasons but the top most being that at this stage weve both fucked around n mucked up so much that 'simply us' wont be simple or us for him or for.me...

  There are too many ppl involved n i love all of them

19 minutes

00:52 N i like that i have such precious people in my life...people ive held.on to for so long that the thought of not having them is unfathomable n horrible as far as fathomable

00:53 N i like his woman

  Like...ive come to genuinely like her...n as an outsider i like their relationdhip n wouldn want to do them any harm

  Im stepping back :) n thats that


____________________________________________________________________________
and then i felt...so grownup. 

Thoughts in Abstraction

Like sitting in a room and watching a giant Dog curl, oblivious to you.

A Dog because of the familiarity and the homeyness they inspire.

A giant because it makes you feel so small. delicate. fragile. not entirely real.

Abstracted abstract thoughts.

Even with you, such a vast space of thoughts in between. A gap where your thoughts lie. in wait. I can never reach across this to you...

Are you there?

Just a Narrative

The Doctor came by today.
I have decided to follow her advice: Think in narrative, dont stress the fools.

So basically, not thinking about the actions of sunshine while sunshine plays around and brightens someone else's day. It is quiet the effort.

The Doctor, after approximately 3 years, opened her heart to me...poured it right out. She says she realizes, after all this time, that she is not the victim. Mr. Lonely is. Mr. Lonely is to be left alone and the doctor, not stressing the fool that is Mr. Lonely is to proceed to not think about it and well, think only in factual narrative.

The Doctor is working harder than ever ignoring the stressors.
I will too. Work is the greatest distraction so I will now return to the Moroccan Labour Code.

The Narrative:
Wakes up in the afternoon. Heart to heart with the Doctor. Proceed to waste the entire day. Proceed to invite 2 friends over. Sunshine breaks my heart. Proceed to not stress the fool. Proceed to hugging them goodbye. Proceed to waste some more time on the computer. Proceed to being ignored by Lil Miss. Proceed to lick wounds. Proceed to Sleep.
Gnyt!

Inspired By Raji.

Everything she saw became a symbol of the life she had chosen not to take, her anti-existence.
The children in the streets, the groups of friends by the chai stalls, the dogs playing in the streets. Even the beggars in all their aimless, wandering glory who seemed satisfied to sit under the eaves and out of the slight drizzle.

For a minute she regretted choosing to never be satisfied.

But she just wasn't happy with that thought.

All in one

Last week on the Metro I saw a stranger. She reminded me of a friend. A friend I've long since lost touch with. But there was something about the back of her head and the way she moved....a vague recollection of an old friend. Vartika. I miss you sometimes. I wish we were in touch.

______________________________________________________

My life has been divided into 3 segments now that I am full time employed. 

1. The work life: Fucking starting from 8 in the morning to 11 in the night and sometimes in my mundane and unbelievably "keep-it-real-just-another-boring-day-at-work" dream sequences. The work life is tiring and it has changed my life philosophy from "smile a little" to "just get it done." blech. The work itself, I like. The hours, O God.

2. The Home Life: This I can do in one word only: Sundays. Sundays are the only little bit of time when I am not rushing to or from work. And my life has become an endless pursuit of The Sunday. I make plans as early as two weeks, three weeks in advance. Because I know I'm only free on sundays. So it is quite easy to keep my social calender very full.

3. The Metro Life: The In-Transit period is the MOST fun I have on an average day. And the Metro, to be truthful, has been a source of much mirth. Once this guy accidentally held my hand when I got off the yellow line...so I gave him a very dirty dirty burn-in-hell look. and he was so SHOCKED. He'd genuinely been distracted (by the same passenger-security fight I'd been distracted by) and thought it was his girlfriend's hand. And the kicker is that the moment of confusion was broken by his girlfriend's laughter. 

Also, this other time, a fellow passenger kid started screaming in the most "paranormal activity" way when a firang smiled at him. THAT was hi-larious.

Yesterday, I was walking towards the ladies coach and this guy asked me if he could have some water since I was carrying the bottle in hand. So I handed it to him and asked him to hurry up because I wanted to board the train. He said "no, its okay." and fucking walked away with my bottle of water.

O metro!

_______________________________________________________________

In other news. My life right now is the worst kind of ride. I am tired Allll the frikkin time and there's no going home and just sleeping. To top it all off, I've personally ensured that I am in the middle of oh-so-many dramas that I doubt I will ever have thinking space inside my head again. A little bit of me is dying...that distant voice echo? That's me. Help.

_________________________________________________________

And not that it needs saying, or that ANY woman on Earth needs a reminder.

Men are absolute fucking douchebags. I am currently...tussling?...with three completely independent and absolutely snow-flake unique kinds of Douches. Three. 

Apart from the Delhi skill of never looking a stranger in the eye, always listening to your music so you can drown out the lech calls, and generally passing through the entire outside world as if you're the only one in it. Never make eye contact with strangers in Delhi. They think its an invite. Theyre very uninitiated in the ways of a woman.

Show me a Human Being with Balls and I will show you genuine surprise.

I recently came across this:  http://blog.blanknoise.org/2012/07/guwahati-shame-on-your-blame.html

and it pained me for ...well...it still hurts. It seems like an inadequate response....hurt, or sorrow. Anger. now that I could accept, I could work with being angry. But it just made me feel so defeated and sad. whats worse is that I can continue living my life, I can still pretend that this did not just happen in my country in the past month. I can pretend this does NOT reflect on ME. 

But it does. It does reflect on me, on my inability to create a better world, on my inability to do more, on my inability to even know, or imagine what I could have done in these circumstances, on my inability to effect change. If i witnessed it...what would i do? who would i call? would i also think that the best thing to do is record it? does writing down my thoughts like this help anyone?

I was upset and I told one of my friends that I just found out about this...he said "you're finding out NOW?" emphasis on my lateness in apprising myself of the news. Seriously? what good did it do for me to find out even then? I have not done anything. You have not done anything. This article dates back to 15th July. half a month has passed. we have done nothing. this reflects on me. 

On a High

Happy Birthday! May the sun shine in the corners of your mind, may every decision you make take you closer to a deeper meaning & purpose, and may your smile never falter.
I haven’t felt so happy in a long time. The sun is out again. The rains are dancing on your fingertips and everything is exactly where it should be.
College makes me feel so self conscious. I find that in the past five years I’ve become less and less spontaneous…I’m scared, paranoid, and overly conscious. But this last semester has been about living out my new year’s resolution, making a fool of myself at every given opportunity and I have done it well. :D. I am proud to say that people think I am an inefficient, unfunny, uncouth, nincompoop. I am happy.

Snap Happy

Each good book is like an acid trip…once is never enough. Every subsequent good book will remind you of your previous trips and make you wanna relive them all…make you want to spin with your thoughts like they made you…make you wanna forget who you were & be a character instead…make you wanna cry though nothing is wrong, make you wanna smile when life loses meaning, make you wanna pull punches against the wall in mad frustration when you’d just found your zen. Sigh. A good book can change your life. And each good book is reminiscent of all the others. & every time you read something worthwhile, you’ll wonder how you thought you didn’t have the time!

Goodbye to College

In goodbye.

The highlights of college:

1. RSG. Easily the best thing that has happened to me, RSG has at a lot of points been my raison-d-etre. Finding friends who're willing to pick up and leave to an undecided destination, decided by fate and Rajasthan State Transport Bus availability is not something everyone can do. And I am so glad that Ive had the pleasure of knowing R&S. Wild to the point of being lunatics and foolhardy to the point of being thankful you're still alive. I love RSG.

2. Trade. Deciding to take an Honours paper that would not guarantee me a job, or the hope thereof, was a tough call. But I do believe I have never worked as hard for anything (including getting into this college). Ive had supremely intelligent faculty to guide me, and an amazing class thats made every trade moment supremely enjoyable.

3. Rain River: Obviously, An RSG+J trip could not have been anything but fun. But to see 3 horses, a mad dog, a toroise and a playful baby buffalo is more than I hoped for. The cost of having lost a lot of good weed and a phone seems marginal next to the awesome time we had floating down the (d)rain river going wherever it would take us...which would have been the dam. 

4. Nashik: Root of the most embarrassing moment of my entire life and more embarrassing than anything I have ever done before, and probably more than anything I will do ever again...Nashik is one of the best things to have happened. I loved Bruno. I loved Sula. And I loved Adi's Mum and the lots and lots of homecooked food. I will miss that Bombil and those prawns to the last days of my life. Death by Wine is now my preferred way to go.

5. Walks in the City. Oftentimes, in the past 5 years...I have had to do a lot of mind-clearing. And Jodhpur has provided me with streeets to walk till the lights fade, and sights to see tiill my mind is eased. I have loved every walk I have taken alone-never before have I known such solitude and such company, at the same time. This city has a lot to offer to the walkers, and is full of little surprises-antique stores that sell british period irons & lanterns to omelettes that surely were conceptualized in heaven.

6. Friends. A little too low-down on the list. But I have had good friendships here. Its hard to think of them right off the top of my head at a time when everything is bleak. But. They were good friendships. Ruchi. Aman. Divya S. Debo. Shipra. the lot of them. I have never found a set of people who can think, be funny, be disgusting, be stimulating, be awesome-all at the same time. They amaze, excite, humble, me. And in the end, they always give good feedback and help me to fit in just a little bit better while being their own little freaks.

The contary to everything-is-illuminated moments:

1. The cat incident. I felt hopelessly gutless. Like my spine had shrivelled into fairy dust-a thing of fables. I felt like I should have stood up and done something but I also felt like I couldn't. And Ichigo, I love you. I will always love you and begrudge Chana this thoughtless act forever. 

2. The break up. It was horrible. To say that I felt like everything I could rely on stood on a raft at sea, and was about as reliable as a catholic priest. As a compulsive liar, I could understand most of it...the need to lie and everything. But I dont think i could ever accept it. I lost a lot of friends in the process, and a lot of them grew distant. And life just never seemed as good as it had been before the relationship. But its getting better now and...Il live.

3. The getting caught for cheating + paying a 10k fine. Ofcourse, I regret it. Did not NEED to cheat. This is the unpublished entry from that day. "never see sunlight or see the rain or drink beer and laugh. Better to never ever let loose. Ever. Better as the prude I was and deserve to be again. Better dead. Better blanked. Better gone. For everyone, better, that I had never seen the light of day or seen a smile or made anyone happy or sad or expectant. Now I have gone and dashed all hope." I felt so hopeless, and i felt so scared that my father would never again look me in the eye. that he would be ashamed of me.

There's more of the sadness. some which are better left unsaid. However, all in all, College was not such a bad affair...a little painful, a lot of fun still. 

Im ok. Gbye!

It's Complicated

Everything that was once simple is now complicated. It wasn't until Mr. Lover-lover suggested the plan that I fully realised how messed up things had gotten. I shouldn't have complicated things like this...but I had. Now, embarrassment was sure to follow.

I wish I had never done what I did to you. I wish you had never dated her. I wish we hadn't messed around after. I wish I hadn't messed around with others. I wish you hadn't messed around with others. But.

Sometimes being a teenager makes you want to die.- Awkward.

Its amazing how the rhythmic snoring in the room next door can expell all my fears...making everything so much more real...and yet, don't bad things happen even as people sleep soundly in the room next door? Does the verisimilitude of normalcy always mean just that? Is it not true that more often somethings wrong when everything's right?

Litany of Lady G

I believe:

# One of the most important moments in a relationship is the first fart. It speaks of comfort and trust.

# Children do not speak the truth by virtue of their innocence, but by virtue of their complete and utter heartlessness.

#It is easier to be honest when a) you don't care about the listener or b) the listener is a stranger.

# It would be easier to love a child if they have an illness, because it makes them seem braver in the face of an inherent weakness. I only love children who look downsy. This might be the sympathy factor, or because I'm really shallow and oddly judgmental, only of children.

# The best lesson the Bible has to offer is that you WILL be judged by the same standards that you use to judge others. And a keen acceptance of this one concept will make you a better person for it.

# I believe if a cat adopts you, you must be a nice person. If a dog adopts you, it must be lovelorn. And if a dog jumps to protect you or is protective of you (o, Bruno!) then it's only fair that you play with him and pamper him and get down on your hands and knees.

# I believe the scariest feeling is knowing fully well how screwed your life is, specially when you know what you're doing is going to lead to such a feeling shortly.

# I believe that family time is adorable by virtue of both, rarity and the ease with which you can get away with things around these folks--such as yawning when they're talking, scratching your head/underarm/hairy legs, admitting to not really care about politics AT ALL--without fear of intellectual, emotional or physical abandonment.

# I believe the best friends you'll ever have are ones you make when you're children, because then you build your barriers to keep them in and the rest of the world out.

# I believe that I am not the only asshole on earth. I personally know at least 2 (yes, you.).

# I believe that the longer you let others plan 'fun' for you, the less you'll have of it.

# I believe it is imperative to be nasty sometimes, and it's ok.

# I believe that there are choices where even your best mates don't come through for you and it's ok.

# I believe that everyone was once a Mediker child. And this is what one must focus upon when presenting before a crowd that makes you uncomfortable.

# I believe that Ric Stultz may be the best art of our times. Beautiful & thought provoking.

Shit Happens.

If ever I die a hopeless drunk,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the face I tried to forget,

You'd be my reason to die.

If ever I die of a bleeding heart,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the heart I'd broken,

You'd be that hateful sigh.

If ever I die of loving someone,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the love I knew so well,

You'd be my very last try.

If ever I die of wishful thinking,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be my handsome McDreamy,

You'd be my trippy high.

Bleak.

There. This is the 3rd humiliating interview experience. Looking for a job is beginning to be more and more an adventure in self humiliation. Extempore? If I wanted to speak in public places, I would join politics, or practice law. I just want to do my research. There is nothing that I feel so strongly about that I would go air my opinions in the town square.

Ah fuck. This is what it feels like. . An empty space that words cannot fill with enough disappointment, enough self hatred, enough sorriness and pity, or nearly enough regret. It makes you want to be someone else. And is there really anything worse?

Im scared of all the people I will disappoint, but more than that I am scared of never living due to that one fear.

Why did I study law?- here is the reply I gave in 2007.

“I want to study law because, like most law aspirants, I have certain realistic (and unrealistic) expectations from it. Studying law will empower me in a way few other sciences can. It would help me be instrumental in bringing about justice, and that alone seems reason enough. Besides, the study of law would heighten my awareness of the social process and life of my country and enable me to, perhaps, be a harbinger of change. Needless to say, it would give me financial freedom also. Above all, my reason to really want to do law is that I dream of an idealistic country and feel that the study of law is my only hope for fulfilling and realizing this dream.”

Hah.

I am so disappointed in myself. 5 years down the line, I may have changed in a million ways but I am still clinging on to ideologies that have no fact-back-up or information-back-up. I am lost.

Back in 2009 sometime, I thought that the only way to effectively bring about social change would be economics, because that’s what runs a country. Not smart enough for economics.

Its disappointment all the way. All the way down.

That which Thought Must Never Touch

I hope this day is as special for you as you are to me. My sunshine in the dark hours, and my hope in the bleak rains. My respite. My baby. A very happy birthday, and more love than I could hide from you.

Forgive me, O Heavenly Father, according to the multitude of thy mercies. I have lusted in my heart to break a man’s skull and scatter the stench of his brains across several people’s back yards.- Leah Price, The Poisonwood Bible

It’s a sign of the times when being drunk is preferable to a single sober thought, and when life seems pointless, sober. In my heart, I have lost the right to decide how I feel and I recognize your song and sing it back to you. Because I understand where your music comes from, and even though I cannot dance with you…I can sing to you and hope that you understand where my music flows from too.

I wish I could however, introspect, and understand what I already suspect. What you already suspect. Only to understand, not to act. But I am forbidden to do so, and I will accept that. To think in rhyme and not prose.

the thing is to find a truth which is true for me?

I remember the time the whole familial murder mystery unfurled. I did not know what to do with the information. So I wrote it down on a piece of paper and submitted it to the lady in blue as we flew over to the land of our forefathers, that she may incinerate the tale or read it and know. And maybe she would know how to react. I just had to tell it. I just had to put it in words so I could understand what I already knew. Death is hard to accept, and when combined with a broken commandment, that much harder to hold in your heart.

But this is different, I could realize. I can think. But I must not. I hope to God that it is no more than a whim, a flight of fancy. But I am scared to think beyond that.

That Which Thought Never Touches.

We are the Startled Grass

Im having a conversation with you on the side even as im realizing in a parallel window that all my favourite poets were neurotic.

Poe, Rosetti, Plath and Dickinson! All of them.

I really like these guys. Because they capture the essence of true feelings, don’t they?

I care. I think of it everyday. I think if I were to die, I'd be glad because you could finally be happy. and I really do not want to die.

The sun is creeping up on us and we are the startled grass.

A thought went up my mind to-day

That I have had before,

But did not finish, some way back,

I could not fix the year,

Nor where it went, nor why it came

The second time to me,

Nor definitely, what it was,

Have I the Art to say.

But somewhere in my Soul, I know

I've met the Thing before;

It just reminded me--t'was all--

And came my way no more.

Emily Dickinson

Be a Man

I keep waiting for a guy who has more balls than I do.- Salma Hayek

My sexual fantasy is to be a Man. You know, control the rhythm, be the one who is more shameless, more demanding. Perhaps it is just me. Im sure women can do all these things, but then, can they? Can they really?

When I pull my zipper up in public, is that what it is…my fantasy to be a man? When I don’t wax for months on end, is it cause I want to be a man? Even when I ‘accidentally’ leave the bathroom door open????

My fantasy in life…even apart from the sexual one….is to be a man. Sexy this does NOT sound. But I do so wish there were no two genders. But just the one.

I am jealous of men because:

1. They can run without fear of their boobs jiggling,
2. When their boobs do jiggle, its funny and not even slightly erotic…lesser staring ergo.
3. They can pee wherever they fancy…out of whichever vehicle even. (‘cept aircrafts.)
4. They can go about the world topless.
5. Fancy dressing means ‘ironed’ clothes.
6. Nighttime is ‘safe’ for them.
7. If they were to never clean up again, some or the other person will still talk to them. (Except for brushing, there are no double standards there. Amen.)
8. They will never not-have-sex because their periods made an early appearance. or a late one. or an appearance, at all.
9. They will never not-have-sex because…oh they’re not waxed! Even though it is the middle of December!
10. There is no shame in admitting they watch porn, since i-don’t-even-remember-when.
11. Oh because that bitchy lil receptionist at that oh so lovely law firm will fawn over you. Because you have balls.
12. They behave as if all the other men (except for very specific ones who are dating your ex, have stabbed you in the back, have actually stabbed you in the back etc) are their buddies, champs, or heroes. Or boss.
13. Because in an office they don’t give each other dirty looks like women do, and they’re generally nice to both-strange men and strange women (too nice?).
14. Oh yes. Their nipples do not react to the air conditioner in a room, the temperature outside or embarrassment, arousal and whatever-else-it-is…….in exactly the same way-by cocking up and drawing attention.

I asked my father how he would react if I were to get a sex change operation and become ‘one of them’. (This is after being told by THREE different people that I should’ve been a dude…and that I was for the most part-which I took as a compliment. so pathetic.)

Sir dint know what to say at first and tried the goofy smile (15. Can get away with most things using goofy smile.), when he saw I wasn’t kidding, or moving on to more acceptable conversation, or embarrassed by the question, he answered.

Sir said: I don’t know what goes on in your head and where you get your questions from. I don’t care if you do change your gender but it will make life very hard for you.

Well. I just wish you could see how much easier it would make my life. Though yea, my friends might have a hard time. And might abandon me.

16. They don’t have to prove they ‘got balls’, I think that might be why the ‘balls’ are actually external. It’s a proof thing.

17. Balls scratching. Im sure its fun. And well, women deserve it more coz we actually trim. Sometimes, a bit too fine.

Down the 65, and Up the 50!

# If you don't have a few bedmates that you're embarrassed of, your life isn't worth the retelling.

# If you haven't ever put yourself out there for fear of rejection, you're the worst kind of coward.

# If you haven't been made fun of, you haven't truly learned to laugh.

Truly a trip worth remembering, and reliving, and...retelling!

The next time such a trip happens, I will walk in better prepared knowing 2 things about myself which I did not know prior to this:

# Not as asexual as previously thought.

# Will do anything for kicks =)

Wine is truly "my first crush" (Sula TM Tagline). The days have been mostly a drunken haze but also a perfect reminder that at least to the end of January, I have kept my resolutions. Most of my resolutions. Well, All of them except the 'less alcohol'. :D

And as Jen puts it, life story could be titled "Drink, Whore, Nap."

Note to self: Prepare for Goa, then. ;)

Adah

“It is true I do not speak as well as I can think. But that is true of most people, as nearly as I can tell.”- Adah, The Poisonwood Bible.

I wish we were like the avatar animals & beings—if we could communicate in pictures…we might communicate better. It is just so hard to explain to someone the wonders that we truly feel, the hurt that’s battering us, the uncertainty over certain decisions that must be made… Some things exist that can only be thought, never truly communicated.

This book is so full of quotes I wish I could just…beam through in thoughts to you. I wish you could understand the way I see things, if not see them the way I do. I wish you could look into my soul and know me…all my fears and hang-ups without my having to lay them down for you one by one…it is so time consuming and heart breaking!

Like…the wonder in the eyes of children when you make a face at them in the traffic-that lil second where eyes meet, your face contorts and theirs is drowned in wonderment.

Like…how there are little things that can make or break a relationship though it would feel so petty to talk about them….the way you talk to me sometimes (the annoyance right here that I cannot communicate in one line), that odd lil cliff hanger you got going. :D its funny now.

Like…...like, your hearts hurting and you really don’t know why you’re there! that feeling of wanting to die rather than fess up to some evil that you have done. I mean, if I could communicate just that one feeling-I’d be made for life. :) anyone would forgive when encountering such heartfelt repentance…won’t they?

O and yea, that feeling when you know something you were counting on has gone…quite literally, that sinking feeling. Like an animal died inside of you and needs to be “appropriately” discarded.

My favourite is Adah, so far. Ofcourse Ruth is lovely too.

________________

I wonder if primates can do “wonder” expressions? I mean, that expression which is neither surprise nor shock…nor simply a feeling of having been found, or stunned. Just that pure moment where you come upon a sunrise and your eyes widen and you think….aaaah! :) that lil smile and that happiness that beams across your being. Wonder-My Favourite Human Expression.

Lessons & Resolutions

Lessons.

1. Just because you’ve been physical with someone, or find them so attractive that your pants slip off when you see them-does not mean that you’re meant to be with them, or that you’re in love.

2. It is never advisable to sell your soul for a job, even when the ship seems to be sinking.

3. Sometimes when your ex gets committed, you realize you’re in love with them. This is NOT love.

4. It is never ok to say things you do not mean just because you know it will hurt. It will hurt more because you said it despite not meaning it, and because you’re evil.

Resolutions.

1. Less Alcohol, more Adventure.

2. Lesser hang ups, more experiments.

3. More talking, lesser messaging.

4. Being the bitch, if that’s what makes you happy even though the world would hate you.

5. http://wikitravel.org/en/Footloose_in_Old_Delhi#b

6. Make a complete fool of yourself, otherwise you will never know.

Madness

30-11-2011, Vacations.

It’s odd, the things we remember and the things we remember not. I remember how I was so overwhelmed by my love for you and ended up crying and breaking up with you. I remember how once I’d listened to this song you told me to listen to and I ‘narrated’ the lyrics to you and you said “mujhe kya bata rahi hai. Maine suna hai.” Hah.

Such children we were…we were so young. I’ve known you since before I was the person I am today, since before I was a person. And I think I will love that person I knew, so sad and yet so…sprightly.

But I look at you today and I wonder how you got here. And I could list out the reasons I don’t like you anymore, and none of them would make any sense. I hate you because you’re the wedge between me and the sister. Because she is the only person I truly care about, and the only person I want in my life, you had no right or place to wedge yourself between us. It should never have been that I would have to keep anything from her, so that she could continue respecting you, so that your friendship could be spared from what had happened.

It kills me how you’re the reason that my immediate core circle is devoid of people. I cannot lie for you, I never wanted to and for myself I never would have. You made me do something for you against my better judgment, something that I would not have done to salvage mine own dignity.

Sigh.

And to the sister. What can I say to you? I love you so much that it hurts everytime I think of you. I love you so much that everything you say even slightly hurtful, hurts a lot. It breaks my heart. And to feel like I’ve lost you to people I really despise makes me feel childish, yet wronged.

Another deep sigh. Honesty is so much hard work. I was so happy to believe that I was thick-skinned and nothing really hurt.

Charles Dickens’, in The Madman’s Manuscript, captures the essence of what I’m feeling right now. A madman on the brink of madness, afraid of going mad and then later when he does, realizing how brilliant it is to hide the fact from others, fooling them.

“At last it came upon me, and I wondered how I could ever have feared it. I could go into the world now, and laugh and shout with the best among them. I knew I was mad, but they did not even suspect it. How I used to hug myself with delight when I thought of the fine trick I was playing them…”

Yep. Gothic Short Stories, a RD collection J just what I need around this time and place.

The solitary mountainside was made dismal by it. Laughter, when out of place, mistimed, or bursting forth from a disordered state of feeling, may be the most terrible modulation of the human voice.- Nathaniel Hawthorne, Ethan Brand.

I rejoice in my pretentious anonymity. Thank you for helping me keep it this way.