Thursday, 24 April 2014

There are Rules.

I have rules for everything. Everything. Running in public? Rules. Picking up calls? Rules. Eating alone? Rules. Somebody cancelled on you? Rules. Wearing socks with open toed shoes? Rules. Borrowing socks? Rules. Denim with denim? ahem. No. not unless you're in L.A. and its fashion week and you have a statement to make that people want to hear. Rules.
I have these rules because I am slightly obsessive about why things happen, about the things I hate absolutely and will not allow to happen again and about what is good for me and my mental health and what isn't. Not surprisingly, a lot of 'life' isn't.

Image from here.

So here are a few of the rules, mostly related to calling:

1. If you have been a jerk to me at any point in my life, I will not pick up your calls-Ever. I will call you when I am nice and ready for a conversation with you. and on your birthday because I believe social codes exist for a reason and if you stop believing in them, floodgates etc.

2. I will not set you up with my friends. I am not a pimp and my friends are not mine so I can abuse the privilege. I may, on occasion, introduce you to a friend but I will never insist they go out with you if they don't want to. Sometimes, given both your mental states as I perceive them, I will not even introduce you when both of you wish to be introduced to each other.

3. If there are 3 occasions where I call you, and you fail to pick up my call or fail to call back thereafter, I will delete your number so that I never call you again lest I be further disappointed in you. And I will never call you again. except pursuant to Rule#1.

4. If we make a plan and you ditch me for a reason not-nearly-good-enough, I will cancel every plan we make for a considerable time in the near future or alternately, be really late for the plan we do make or alternately, be very vague about when I am free and avoid making plans with you. I know this is extremely childish and juvenile, but I do this because my time is extremely precious to me and to have wasted something that is so precious to me for a reason not-nearly-good-enough is an extremely thoughtless and inconsiderate thing to do. I will only forgive you for this if I really like you and you have paid your dues by being out-weighingly fun.

5. The three strikes rule. I will cease being a good friend after the third strike. I am the sole determiner of whether an event counts as a strike or not. You cannot justify a strike as a non-strike because you are not me. You cannot say that I am unfairly counting an event as a strike because you don't know the rules and to say that I would unfairly use the fair system of three-strikes is in itself a strike.

6. I will dislike you a little bit if you over play the privilege of calling.