Sunday, 29 April 2012

On a High

Happy Birthday! May the sun shine in the corners of your mind, may every decision you make take you closer to a deeper meaning & purpose, and may your smile never falter.
I haven’t felt so happy in a long time. The sun is out again. The rains are dancing on your fingertips and everything is exactly where it should be.
College makes me feel so self conscious. I find that in the past five years I’ve become less and less spontaneous…I’m scared, paranoid, and overly conscious. But this last semester has been about living out my new year’s resolution, making a fool of myself at every given opportunity and I have done it well. :D. I am proud to say that people think I am an inefficient, unfunny, uncouth, nincompoop. I am happy.

Snap Happy

Each good book is like an acid trip…once is never enough. Every subsequent good book will remind you of your previous trips and make you wanna relive them all…make you want to spin with your thoughts like they made you…make you wanna forget who you were & be a character instead…make you wanna cry though nothing is wrong, make you wanna smile when life loses meaning, make you wanna pull punches against the wall in mad frustration when you’d just found your zen. Sigh. A good book can change your life. And each good book is reminiscent of all the others. & every time you read something worthwhile, you’ll wonder how you thought you didn’t have the time!

Monday, 16 April 2012

Goodbye to College

In goodbye.
The highlights of college:
1. RSG. Easily the best thing that has happened to me, RSG has at a lot of points been my raison-d-etre. Finding friends who're willing to pick up and leave to an undecided destination, decided by fate and Rajasthan State Transport Bus availability is not something everyone can do. And I am so glad that Ive had the pleasure of knowing R&S. Wild to the point of being lunatics and foolhardy to the point of being thankful you're still alive. I love RSG.

2. Trade. Deciding to take an Honours paper that would not guarantee me a job, or the hope thereof, was a tough call. But I do believe I have never worked as hard for anything (including getting into this college). Ive had supremely intelligent faculty to guide me, and an amazing class thats made every trade moment supremely enjoyable.

3. Rain River: Obviously, An RSG+J trip could not have been anything but fun. But to see 3 horses, a mad dog, a toroise and a playful baby buffalo is more than I hoped for. The cost of having lost a lot of good weed and a phone seems marginal next to the awesome time we had floating down the (d)rain river going wherever it would take us...which would have been the dam. 

4. Nashik: Root of the most embarrassing moment of my entire life and more embarrassing than anything I have ever done before, and probably more than anything I will do ever again...Nashik is one of the best things to have happened. I loved Bruno. I loved Sula. And I loved Adi's Mum and the lots and lots of homecooked food. I will miss that Bombil and those prawns to the last days of my life. Death by Wine is now my preferred way to go.

5. Walks in the City. Oftentimes, in the past 5 years...I have had to do a lot of mind-clearing. And Jodhpur has provided me with streeets to walk till the lights fade, and sights to see tiill my mind is eased. I have loved every walk I have taken alone-never before have I known such solitude and such company, at the same time. This city has a lot to offer to the walkers, and is full of little surprises-antique stores that sell british period irons & lanterns to omelettes that surely were conceptualized in heaven.

6. Friends. A little too low-down on the list. But I have had good friendships here. Its hard to think of them right off the top of my head at a time when everything is bleak. But. They were good friendships. Ruchi. Aman. Divya S. Debo. Shipra. the lot of them. I have never found a set of people who can think, be funny, be disgusting, be stimulating, be awesome-all at the same time. They amaze, excite, humble, me. And in the end, they always give good feedback and help me to fit in just a little bit better while being their own little freaks.

The contary to everything-is-illuminated moments:
1. The cat incident. I felt hopelessly gutless. Like my spine had shrivelled into fairy dust-a thing of fables. I felt like I should have stood up and done something but I also felt like I couldn't. And Ichigo, I love you. I will always love you and begrudge Chana this thoughtless act forever. 

2. The break up. It was horrible. To say that I felt like everything I could rely on stood on a raft at sea, and was about as reliable as a catholic priest. As a compulsive liar, I could understand most of it...the need to lie and everything. But I dont think i could ever accept it. I lost a lot of friends in the process, and a lot of them grew distant. And life just never seemed as good as it had been before the relationship. But its getting better now and...Il live.

3. The getting caught for cheating + paying a 10k fine. Ofcourse, I regret it. Did not NEED to cheat. This is the unpublished entry from that day. "never see sunlight or see the rain or drink beer and laugh. Better to never ever let loose. Ever. Better as the prude I was and deserve to be again. Better dead. Better blanked. Better gone. For everyone, better, that I had never seen the light of day or seen a smile or made anyone happy or sad or expectant. Now I have gone and dashed all hope." I felt so hopeless, and i felt so scared that my father would never again look me in the eye. that he would be ashamed of me.

There's more of the sadness. some which are better left unsaid. However, all in all, College was not such a bad affair...a little painful, a lot of fun still. 
Im ok. Gbye!