Closing 2013

The purpose of writing down resolutions is to witness for oneself how many/how few one fulfills. I forgot to write down the resolutions of 2013, but I dedicated the year to fulfilling a lot of the resolves of 2012. Here is how:

1. Less Alcohol, more Adventure. --It turns out that 2013 was the year of : plays, discovering new music, d-i-y activities, beginning the guitar (perhaps the end of that adventure as well!), trips to Gokarna &  Bangalore & Bombay & Dharamsala, paragliding, Triund trek, strangers as friends.

2. Lesser hang ups, more experiments. -- talking to strangers, not thinking or researching about the trips-just saying yes, LD, jogging in a public park, wearing dresses/shorts.

3. More talking, lesser messaging. --I've always been a more 'written' person than a 'spoken' person, but I made it a point to pick up calls every once in a while (Berl), LD again, and of course, I stayed in touch with a lot of people from college despite my own expectations of losing touch :)

4. Being the bitch, if that’s what makes you happy even though the world would hate you. --I lost touch with certain people (P-Lo) and did not contact her despite knowing fully well that she was annoyed (suppressed a major people-pleasing tendency here), fought with a colleague about staying late at work because i wanted to and she dint! a petty issue simply because it made me happier, cut L off.

5. Footloose in Old Delhi -- http://wikitravel.org/en/Footloose_in_Old_Delhi#b --DID NOT DO, added this to Resolutions 2014 :)

6. Make a complete fool of yourself, otherwise you will never know. --Ahem, Bangalore was a complete fool-making experience. With this image as my wallpaper, and still not having a clue.

However, I guess I was right to think "otherwise you will never know", because I do know now. and it is just as well. I might have exposed myself (oh God, I hate how literal and figurative this is!) too much and to too much, but at least, now I know where the future does not lie.

It's wonderful knowing that I have a full brand new year ahead of me, knowing with more-or-less certainty where I will be this year, knowing what I really need to accomplish.

Of course, there also remains the tingling suspense of 'Will-I-Won't-I!', its just lovely to vaguely dream about a whole year...the possibilities.

Here's bringing the new one in!

PS: and learning to schedule publication ;) (okay, not learning to schedule publication.)

Strange Love

"I know the last page so well I cant read the first." --Nada Surf, Inside of Love.

"And but for the sky, there are no fences facing." --Bob Dylan, Mr. Tambourine Man.

Re-affirmation by a stranger.

I was told by an absoltute stranger that I was "absolutely cute" :) which made me very very happy. And made me think of Skand. My first Metro Guy :D I wish I see him again some day and that I remember his face.


Eldie makes me very very happy too. I have been grinning at strangers and smiling myself silly these last 2 weeks. Because I am meeting her today. She is so harmless that when she says something to hurt me, which she does too often now, I cant help but smile. and believe that if I could be as happy as I am when I am only just fighting with her...life could be very very beautiful. :D


So long as your favourite singers are still singing, its not too late.

Wide Eyed & Mortified.

Sometimes, amidst all the staring off into space, I wonder if the people I'm staring at are the Bloggers that I so dedicate-edly follow and slobber to the tunes of.

Sometimes, when I'm talking to people (who may, or may not, be the aforementioned Bloggers) I speak very loudly. Excitement. Never did develop that voice-modulation-filter that adults aged 8+ seem to have.

So I say, "HI!!!" like I haven't seen a human being in the past two years which I seem to have spent on Cast Away Island.

I want to sound sophisticated. Atleast like a 13 year old. so much.

                     Image Courtesy: Mario Bros. & the Lovely Magic Mushrooms.

Forgetron. Erase This Memory.

I remember this day, vaguely but with a familiarity of the emotions that causes my stomach to turn and my eyes to tear up.

I was in 1st Standard. Mrs. Robinson, with her Joker-from-Batman lips all moulin rouge-ed up, was checking our copies (notebooks). I was standing in line. Ms. Poo was standing in front of me in line.

It was just the two of us in line.

And then Mrs. Robinson curled those lips in the nastiest grimace and curled up her nose like a pug. I felt a strange wetness on my cavas-shoe-ed foot.  Strange. Very Strange.

The smell of shit pervaded our senses. 

Ms. Poo Shat on my Shoe.

Can you believe this?

I'd repressed this memory under a ton of bricks and then some. I told Ms. Rosa (a gummy bear that walks and talks like a Laid-A) about this incident when I was in 10th Standard. I told her I was unsure of the veracity of the story -- maybe it was just a nightmare, maybe it was a lie I'd made up [it sounded like a lie I would make up].

Ms. Rosa asked Ms. Poo if this was true. 

Ms. Poo blushed.

She blushed.

Blushed.

The Blush on Ms. Poo's face is evidence enough for me. 

I wonder how this story sounds, coming from Ms. Poo. A whole lot more amusing I'm sure.

She does not (neither do you.) understand the level of shitty that is accomplished in washing somebody else's shit off your shoe. Off your Canvas Shoes.

She had the audacity to say "I didn't do it. She must have."

Makes my mind crack and my butt boggle.

I missed recess and games, standing in the sun, waiting for my shoe to dry.

Image Courtesy: Me and the World without Forgetron.

In the Darkness

In the Darkness.
Awake--heart-thumping, brain-racing, blood freezing
Afraid, Terrified.

I wonder when it will stop.
The cheating, the lying,
the loving and hating.
The hands-searching in the night,
always knowing, always expecting,
A response. Committed or Not-always waiting.

Just a touch away from being
stupid, rash, insensitive.

In the Darkness.
A heat, a magnet. A heart breaking tug.
Hands & legs. Tangled thoughts and confused hearts.

In the Darkness.
Shadows cast-unknowing and unknowable.
Imperceptible.

Confessions of no-love.
It breaks my heart-
to be that person in the Darkness-
hurtful, hurt.
--h.c

"Here's looking at you, Kid."

And here, is realization, looking at me.
I have to confess. I Love You. And not the easy to ignore-somewhere in the back of my mind-sure someday-kinda love. I mean the kind that you need to capitalize each word in the sentence for-kind of love. I love You. I Love you. sigh.

I wish I never have to see your face, never have to see you smile. never have to see you not. never have to hear another joke about your love. I wish I never have to sense it or feel it. and I would die to be able to avoid that. I hate that I love you much more than I love you.

Its giving me a sense of morbidity and a derivative peace to keep repeating the phrase.

"Rick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: But what about us?

Rick: We'll always have Paris. We didn't have it before...we'd...we'd lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you...

Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid."