It's Complicated

Everything that was once simple is now complicated. It wasn't until Mr. Lover-lover suggested the plan that I fully realised how messed up things had gotten. I shouldn't have complicated things like this...but I had. Now, embarrassment was sure to follow.

I wish I had never done what I did to you. I wish you had never dated her. I wish we hadn't messed around after. I wish I hadn't messed around with others. I wish you hadn't messed around with others. But.

Sometimes being a teenager makes you want to die.- Awkward.

Its amazing how the rhythmic snoring in the room next door can expell all my fears...making everything so much more real...and yet, don't bad things happen even as people sleep soundly in the room next door? Does the verisimilitude of normalcy always mean just that? Is it not true that more often somethings wrong when everything's right?

Litany of Lady G

I believe:

# One of the most important moments in a relationship is the first fart. It speaks of comfort and trust.

# Children do not speak the truth by virtue of their innocence, but by virtue of their complete and utter heartlessness.

#It is easier to be honest when a) you don't care about the listener or b) the listener is a stranger.

# It would be easier to love a child if they have an illness, because it makes them seem braver in the face of an inherent weakness. I only love children who look downsy. This might be the sympathy factor, or because I'm really shallow and oddly judgmental, only of children.

# The best lesson the Bible has to offer is that you WILL be judged by the same standards that you use to judge others. And a keen acceptance of this one concept will make you a better person for it.

# I believe if a cat adopts you, you must be a nice person. If a dog adopts you, it must be lovelorn. And if a dog jumps to protect you or is protective of you (o, Bruno!) then it's only fair that you play with him and pamper him and get down on your hands and knees.

# I believe the scariest feeling is knowing fully well how screwed your life is, specially when you know what you're doing is going to lead to such a feeling shortly.

# I believe that family time is adorable by virtue of both, rarity and the ease with which you can get away with things around these folks--such as yawning when they're talking, scratching your head/underarm/hairy legs, admitting to not really care about politics AT ALL--without fear of intellectual, emotional or physical abandonment.

# I believe the best friends you'll ever have are ones you make when you're children, because then you build your barriers to keep them in and the rest of the world out.

# I believe that I am not the only asshole on earth. I personally know at least 2 (yes, you.).

# I believe that the longer you let others plan 'fun' for you, the less you'll have of it.

# I believe it is imperative to be nasty sometimes, and it's ok.

# I believe that there are choices where even your best mates don't come through for you and it's ok.

# I believe that everyone was once a Mediker child. And this is what one must focus upon when presenting before a crowd that makes you uncomfortable.

# I believe that Ric Stultz may be the best art of our times. Beautiful & thought provoking.

Shit Happens.

If ever I die a hopeless drunk,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the face I tried to forget,

You'd be my reason to die.

If ever I die of a bleeding heart,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the heart I'd broken,

You'd be that hateful sigh.

If ever I die of loving someone,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the love I knew so well,

You'd be my very last try.

If ever I die of wishful thinking,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be my handsome McDreamy,

You'd be my trippy high.

Bleak.

There. This is the 3rd humiliating interview experience. Looking for a job is beginning to be more and more an adventure in self humiliation. Extempore? If I wanted to speak in public places, I would join politics, or practice law. I just want to do my research. There is nothing that I feel so strongly about that I would go air my opinions in the town square.

Ah fuck. This is what it feels like. . An empty space that words cannot fill with enough disappointment, enough self hatred, enough sorriness and pity, or nearly enough regret. It makes you want to be someone else. And is there really anything worse?

Im scared of all the people I will disappoint, but more than that I am scared of never living due to that one fear.

Why did I study law?- here is the reply I gave in 2007.

“I want to study law because, like most law aspirants, I have certain realistic (and unrealistic) expectations from it. Studying law will empower me in a way few other sciences can. It would help me be instrumental in bringing about justice, and that alone seems reason enough. Besides, the study of law would heighten my awareness of the social process and life of my country and enable me to, perhaps, be a harbinger of change. Needless to say, it would give me financial freedom also. Above all, my reason to really want to do law is that I dream of an idealistic country and feel that the study of law is my only hope for fulfilling and realizing this dream.”

Hah.

I am so disappointed in myself. 5 years down the line, I may have changed in a million ways but I am still clinging on to ideologies that have no fact-back-up or information-back-up. I am lost.

Back in 2009 sometime, I thought that the only way to effectively bring about social change would be economics, because that’s what runs a country. Not smart enough for economics.

Its disappointment all the way. All the way down.