Bleak.

There. This is the 3rd humiliating interview experience. Looking for a job is beginning to be more and more an adventure in self humiliation. Extempore? If I wanted to speak in public places, I would join politics, or practice law. I just want to do my research. There is nothing that I feel so strongly about that I would go air my opinions in the town square.

Ah fuck. This is what it feels like. . An empty space that words cannot fill with enough disappointment, enough self hatred, enough sorriness and pity, or nearly enough regret. It makes you want to be someone else. And is there really anything worse?

Im scared of all the people I will disappoint, but more than that I am scared of never living due to that one fear.

Why did I study law?- here is the reply I gave in 2007.

“I want to study law because, like most law aspirants, I have certain realistic (and unrealistic) expectations from it. Studying law will empower me in a way few other sciences can. It would help me be instrumental in bringing about justice, and that alone seems reason enough. Besides, the study of law would heighten my awareness of the social process and life of my country and enable me to, perhaps, be a harbinger of change. Needless to say, it would give me financial freedom also. Above all, my reason to really want to do law is that I dream of an idealistic country and feel that the study of law is my only hope for fulfilling and realizing this dream.”

Hah.

I am so disappointed in myself. 5 years down the line, I may have changed in a million ways but I am still clinging on to ideologies that have no fact-back-up or information-back-up. I am lost.

Back in 2009 sometime, I thought that the only way to effectively bring about social change would be economics, because that’s what runs a country. Not smart enough for economics.

Its disappointment all the way. All the way down.