That which Thought Must Never Touch

I hope this day is as special for you as you are to me. My sunshine in the dark hours, and my hope in the bleak rains. My respite. My baby. A very happy birthday, and more love than I could hide from you.

Forgive me, O Heavenly Father, according to the multitude of thy mercies. I have lusted in my heart to break a man’s skull and scatter the stench of his brains across several people’s back yards.- Leah Price, The Poisonwood Bible

It’s a sign of the times when being drunk is preferable to a single sober thought, and when life seems pointless, sober. In my heart, I have lost the right to decide how I feel and I recognize your song and sing it back to you. Because I understand where your music comes from, and even though I cannot dance with you…I can sing to you and hope that you understand where my music flows from too.

I wish I could however, introspect, and understand what I already suspect. What you already suspect. Only to understand, not to act. But I am forbidden to do so, and I will accept that. To think in rhyme and not prose.

the thing is to find a truth which is true for me?

I remember the time the whole familial murder mystery unfurled. I did not know what to do with the information. So I wrote it down on a piece of paper and submitted it to the lady in blue as we flew over to the land of our forefathers, that she may incinerate the tale or read it and know. And maybe she would know how to react. I just had to tell it. I just had to put it in words so I could understand what I already knew. Death is hard to accept, and when combined with a broken commandment, that much harder to hold in your heart.

But this is different, I could realize. I can think. But I must not. I hope to God that it is no more than a whim, a flight of fancy. But I am scared to think beyond that.

That Which Thought Never Touches.

We are the Startled Grass

Im having a conversation with you on the side even as im realizing in a parallel window that all my favourite poets were neurotic.

Poe, Rosetti, Plath and Dickinson! All of them.

I really like these guys. Because they capture the essence of true feelings, don’t they?

I care. I think of it everyday. I think if I were to die, I'd be glad because you could finally be happy. and I really do not want to die.

The sun is creeping up on us and we are the startled grass.

A thought went up my mind to-day

That I have had before,

But did not finish, some way back,

I could not fix the year,

Nor where it went, nor why it came

The second time to me,

Nor definitely, what it was,

Have I the Art to say.

But somewhere in my Soul, I know

I've met the Thing before;

It just reminded me--t'was all--

And came my way no more.

Emily Dickinson

Be a Man

I keep waiting for a guy who has more balls than I do.- Salma Hayek

My sexual fantasy is to be a Man. You know, control the rhythm, be the one who is more shameless, more demanding. Perhaps it is just me. Im sure women can do all these things, but then, can they? Can they really?

When I pull my zipper up in public, is that what it is…my fantasy to be a man? When I don’t wax for months on end, is it cause I want to be a man? Even when I ‘accidentally’ leave the bathroom door open????

My fantasy in life…even apart from the sexual one….is to be a man. Sexy this does NOT sound. But I do so wish there were no two genders. But just the one.

I am jealous of men because:

1. They can run without fear of their boobs jiggling,
2. When their boobs do jiggle, its funny and not even slightly erotic…lesser staring ergo.
3. They can pee wherever they fancy…out of whichever vehicle even. (‘cept aircrafts.)
4. They can go about the world topless.
5. Fancy dressing means ‘ironed’ clothes.
6. Nighttime is ‘safe’ for them.
7. If they were to never clean up again, some or the other person will still talk to them. (Except for brushing, there are no double standards there. Amen.)
8. They will never not-have-sex because their periods made an early appearance. or a late one. or an appearance, at all.
9. They will never not-have-sex because…oh they’re not waxed! Even though it is the middle of December!
10. There is no shame in admitting they watch porn, since i-don’t-even-remember-when.
11. Oh because that bitchy lil receptionist at that oh so lovely law firm will fawn over you. Because you have balls.
12. They behave as if all the other men (except for very specific ones who are dating your ex, have stabbed you in the back, have actually stabbed you in the back etc) are their buddies, champs, or heroes. Or boss.
13. Because in an office they don’t give each other dirty looks like women do, and they’re generally nice to both-strange men and strange women (too nice?).
14. Oh yes. Their nipples do not react to the air conditioner in a room, the temperature outside or embarrassment, arousal and whatever-else-it-is…….in exactly the same way-by cocking up and drawing attention.

I asked my father how he would react if I were to get a sex change operation and become ‘one of them’. (This is after being told by THREE different people that I should’ve been a dude…and that I was for the most part-which I took as a compliment. so pathetic.)

Sir dint know what to say at first and tried the goofy smile (15. Can get away with most things using goofy smile.), when he saw I wasn’t kidding, or moving on to more acceptable conversation, or embarrassed by the question, he answered.

Sir said: I don’t know what goes on in your head and where you get your questions from. I don’t care if you do change your gender but it will make life very hard for you.

Well. I just wish you could see how much easier it would make my life. Though yea, my friends might have a hard time. And might abandon me.

16. They don’t have to prove they ‘got balls’, I think that might be why the ‘balls’ are actually external. It’s a proof thing.

17. Balls scratching. Im sure its fun. And well, women deserve it more coz we actually trim. Sometimes, a bit too fine.

Down the 65, and Up the 50!

# If you don't have a few bedmates that you're embarrassed of, your life isn't worth the retelling.

# If you haven't ever put yourself out there for fear of rejection, you're the worst kind of coward.

# If you haven't been made fun of, you haven't truly learned to laugh.

Truly a trip worth remembering, and reliving, and...retelling!

The next time such a trip happens, I will walk in better prepared knowing 2 things about myself which I did not know prior to this:

# Not as asexual as previously thought.

# Will do anything for kicks =)

Wine is truly "my first crush" (Sula TM Tagline). The days have been mostly a drunken haze but also a perfect reminder that at least to the end of January, I have kept my resolutions. Most of my resolutions. Well, All of them except the 'less alcohol'. :D

And as Jen puts it, life story could be titled "Drink, Whore, Nap."

Note to self: Prepare for Goa, then. ;)