On a High

Happy Birthday! May the sun shine in the corners of your mind, may every decision you make take you closer to a deeper meaning & purpose, and may your smile never falter.
I haven’t felt so happy in a long time. The sun is out again. The rains are dancing on your fingertips and everything is exactly where it should be.
College makes me feel so self conscious. I find that in the past five years I’ve become less and less spontaneous…I’m scared, paranoid, and overly conscious. But this last semester has been about living out my new year’s resolution, making a fool of myself at every given opportunity and I have done it well. :D. I am proud to say that people think I am an inefficient, unfunny, uncouth, nincompoop. I am happy.

Snap Happy

Each good book is like an acid trip…once is never enough. Every subsequent good book will remind you of your previous trips and make you wanna relive them all…make you want to spin with your thoughts like they made you…make you wanna forget who you were & be a character instead…make you wanna cry though nothing is wrong, make you wanna smile when life loses meaning, make you wanna pull punches against the wall in mad frustration when you’d just found your zen. Sigh. A good book can change your life. And each good book is reminiscent of all the others. & every time you read something worthwhile, you’ll wonder how you thought you didn’t have the time!

Goodbye to College

In goodbye.

The highlights of college:

1. RSG. Easily the best thing that has happened to me, RSG has at a lot of points been my raison-d-etre. Finding friends who're willing to pick up and leave to an undecided destination, decided by fate and Rajasthan State Transport Bus availability is not something everyone can do. And I am so glad that Ive had the pleasure of knowing R&S. Wild to the point of being lunatics and foolhardy to the point of being thankful you're still alive. I love RSG.

2. Trade. Deciding to take an Honours paper that would not guarantee me a job, or the hope thereof, was a tough call. But I do believe I have never worked as hard for anything (including getting into this college). Ive had supremely intelligent faculty to guide me, and an amazing class thats made every trade moment supremely enjoyable.

3. Rain River: Obviously, An RSG+J trip could not have been anything but fun. But to see 3 horses, a mad dog, a toroise and a playful baby buffalo is more than I hoped for. The cost of having lost a lot of good weed and a phone seems marginal next to the awesome time we had floating down the (d)rain river going wherever it would take us...which would have been the dam. 

4. Nashik: Root of the most embarrassing moment of my entire life and more embarrassing than anything I have ever done before, and probably more than anything I will do ever again...Nashik is one of the best things to have happened. I loved Bruno. I loved Sula. And I loved Adi's Mum and the lots and lots of homecooked food. I will miss that Bombil and those prawns to the last days of my life. Death by Wine is now my preferred way to go.

5. Walks in the City. Oftentimes, in the past 5 years...I have had to do a lot of mind-clearing. And Jodhpur has provided me with streeets to walk till the lights fade, and sights to see tiill my mind is eased. I have loved every walk I have taken alone-never before have I known such solitude and such company, at the same time. This city has a lot to offer to the walkers, and is full of little surprises-antique stores that sell british period irons & lanterns to omelettes that surely were conceptualized in heaven.

6. Friends. A little too low-down on the list. But I have had good friendships here. Its hard to think of them right off the top of my head at a time when everything is bleak. But. They were good friendships. Ruchi. Aman. Divya S. Debo. Shipra. the lot of them. I have never found a set of people who can think, be funny, be disgusting, be stimulating, be awesome-all at the same time. They amaze, excite, humble, me. And in the end, they always give good feedback and help me to fit in just a little bit better while being their own little freaks.

The contary to everything-is-illuminated moments:

1. The cat incident. I felt hopelessly gutless. Like my spine had shrivelled into fairy dust-a thing of fables. I felt like I should have stood up and done something but I also felt like I couldn't. And Ichigo, I love you. I will always love you and begrudge Chana this thoughtless act forever. 

2. The break up. It was horrible. To say that I felt like everything I could rely on stood on a raft at sea, and was about as reliable as a catholic priest. As a compulsive liar, I could understand most of it...the need to lie and everything. But I dont think i could ever accept it. I lost a lot of friends in the process, and a lot of them grew distant. And life just never seemed as good as it had been before the relationship. But its getting better now and...Il live.

3. The getting caught for cheating + paying a 10k fine. Ofcourse, I regret it. Did not NEED to cheat. This is the unpublished entry from that day. "never see sunlight or see the rain or drink beer and laugh. Better to never ever let loose. Ever. Better as the prude I was and deserve to be again. Better dead. Better blanked. Better gone. For everyone, better, that I had never seen the light of day or seen a smile or made anyone happy or sad or expectant. Now I have gone and dashed all hope." I felt so hopeless, and i felt so scared that my father would never again look me in the eye. that he would be ashamed of me.

There's more of the sadness. some which are better left unsaid. However, all in all, College was not such a bad affair...a little painful, a lot of fun still. 

Im ok. Gbye!

It's Complicated

Everything that was once simple is now complicated. It wasn't until Mr. Lover-lover suggested the plan that I fully realised how messed up things had gotten. I shouldn't have complicated things like this...but I had. Now, embarrassment was sure to follow.

I wish I had never done what I did to you. I wish you had never dated her. I wish we hadn't messed around after. I wish I hadn't messed around with others. I wish you hadn't messed around with others. But.

Sometimes being a teenager makes you want to die.- Awkward.

Its amazing how the rhythmic snoring in the room next door can expell all my fears...making everything so much more real...and yet, don't bad things happen even as people sleep soundly in the room next door? Does the verisimilitude of normalcy always mean just that? Is it not true that more often somethings wrong when everything's right?

Litany of Lady G

I believe:

# One of the most important moments in a relationship is the first fart. It speaks of comfort and trust.

# Children do not speak the truth by virtue of their innocence, but by virtue of their complete and utter heartlessness.

#It is easier to be honest when a) you don't care about the listener or b) the listener is a stranger.

# It would be easier to love a child if they have an illness, because it makes them seem braver in the face of an inherent weakness. I only love children who look downsy. This might be the sympathy factor, or because I'm really shallow and oddly judgmental, only of children.

# The best lesson the Bible has to offer is that you WILL be judged by the same standards that you use to judge others. And a keen acceptance of this one concept will make you a better person for it.

# I believe if a cat adopts you, you must be a nice person. If a dog adopts you, it must be lovelorn. And if a dog jumps to protect you or is protective of you (o, Bruno!) then it's only fair that you play with him and pamper him and get down on your hands and knees.

# I believe the scariest feeling is knowing fully well how screwed your life is, specially when you know what you're doing is going to lead to such a feeling shortly.

# I believe that family time is adorable by virtue of both, rarity and the ease with which you can get away with things around these folks--such as yawning when they're talking, scratching your head/underarm/hairy legs, admitting to not really care about politics AT ALL--without fear of intellectual, emotional or physical abandonment.

# I believe the best friends you'll ever have are ones you make when you're children, because then you build your barriers to keep them in and the rest of the world out.

# I believe that I am not the only asshole on earth. I personally know at least 2 (yes, you.).

# I believe that the longer you let others plan 'fun' for you, the less you'll have of it.

# I believe it is imperative to be nasty sometimes, and it's ok.

# I believe that there are choices where even your best mates don't come through for you and it's ok.

# I believe that everyone was once a Mediker child. And this is what one must focus upon when presenting before a crowd that makes you uncomfortable.

# I believe that Ric Stultz may be the best art of our times. Beautiful & thought provoking.

Shit Happens.

If ever I die a hopeless drunk,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the face I tried to forget,

You'd be my reason to die.

If ever I die of a bleeding heart,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the heart I'd broken,

You'd be that hateful sigh.

If ever I die of loving someone,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be the love I knew so well,

You'd be my very last try.

If ever I die of wishful thinking,

You'd be the reason why

You'd be my handsome McDreamy,

You'd be my trippy high.

Bleak.

There. This is the 3rd humiliating interview experience. Looking for a job is beginning to be more and more an adventure in self humiliation. Extempore? If I wanted to speak in public places, I would join politics, or practice law. I just want to do my research. There is nothing that I feel so strongly about that I would go air my opinions in the town square.

Ah fuck. This is what it feels like. . An empty space that words cannot fill with enough disappointment, enough self hatred, enough sorriness and pity, or nearly enough regret. It makes you want to be someone else. And is there really anything worse?

Im scared of all the people I will disappoint, but more than that I am scared of never living due to that one fear.

Why did I study law?- here is the reply I gave in 2007.

“I want to study law because, like most law aspirants, I have certain realistic (and unrealistic) expectations from it. Studying law will empower me in a way few other sciences can. It would help me be instrumental in bringing about justice, and that alone seems reason enough. Besides, the study of law would heighten my awareness of the social process and life of my country and enable me to, perhaps, be a harbinger of change. Needless to say, it would give me financial freedom also. Above all, my reason to really want to do law is that I dream of an idealistic country and feel that the study of law is my only hope for fulfilling and realizing this dream.”

Hah.

I am so disappointed in myself. 5 years down the line, I may have changed in a million ways but I am still clinging on to ideologies that have no fact-back-up or information-back-up. I am lost.

Back in 2009 sometime, I thought that the only way to effectively bring about social change would be economics, because that’s what runs a country. Not smart enough for economics.

Its disappointment all the way. All the way down.